I have now been out of college for a little over a month now... and I don't think it's yet fully sunk in. I have graduated, yet I refuse to go home. I am no longer a student, yet I still choose to cling onto this campus neighborhood of Berkeley. Yes, that is where I currently am right now. in Berkeley. in the SAME block I've been living on for the past 4 years. (No, I've moved out of 2520 and Yay for friends that I can sublet from for cheap and that are willing to put up with me.)  So the question that I've been getting a lot now is what I'm doing and what my future plans are. My answer to both: I don't know.  It's probably one of my most used phrases ever. It's a phrase that captures my state of uncertainty and insecurity and lack of "vision" for my future all in one.  Yes, I'm still young and still have time to "figure things out."  but that doesn't mean I get to just hang in limbo until then right?

I've been struggling a lot lately with what it means to truly surrender everything to Christ. from the future plans and dreams to my relationships with ppl to the day to day necessities including finances. I think part of my lack of a future goal or dream is my fear of it not matching up with God's plan for me. my fear is that I won't be able to surrender it once I come up with it.  It's a blank slate, and I want God to just draw or write or mark it up with something, and I will just follow what's dictated.  but God doesn't work like that. He wants me to make a choice. I hate making choices. because I'm indecisive like that. (Many can attest to that.) Yet something that struck a chord with me when Pastor Brian preached this past Sunday was that surrendering does not mean just letting the circumstances determine what happens to you.  God wants us to actively make a choice, to actively SEEK Him. Perhaps I haven't been active enough. Perhaps I've been hoping that God would drop a job offer in my gmail inbox without me having to put in much effort.  Perhaps my "laziness" and procrastination is just me putting off what's to come.  Perhaps I haven't wholly surrendered my past 4 years of college and as a result, it's hard for me to be excited about the future.

In the past, it took me 2 years to get used to a new place. It took me 2 years to get used to Arcadia. It took me 2 years to get used to Berkeley. It always took so long every time b/c I refused to let go of what I had. The memories. The friendships. The comfort. But I haven't lost any of those. Even after going through all these new experiences.  My friends are still there for me to call up and visit.  Memories are still there of the good times, and yes, the not-so-great times as well. But I've got to stop "what if"-ing about what could have been and start "what if"-ing about what can be.  Life keeps moving forward whether or not you choose to move with it.  A lesson that I haven't learned so easily, though my mom has warned me many a time.  But this time, I'm older, hopefully wiser, and as my perspective on life continues to shift, hopefully my attitude towards it changes for the better as well.

Anyway, I still haven't answered the question of what I'm doing. The current plan: I'll be here in Berkeley till the end of the summer to try and find me a job in the area and perhaps begin to figure out what it means to follow Christ as a non-student. 

So. that being said. If you know of any job openings that you think I might be capable of filling... HOLLA! (So far I've been looking at more Admin related/Project Management related positions. yes, i know that's broad.)  and for all you HIMYM fans out there, the following is an excerpt from a conversation with the ever-so-ridiculous josiah:

Josiah: did your mom give you a deadline to find a job by?
no josiah. i didnt spell check.

when i worked at boalt, i got compared to Pam Beesly on The Office. now that I'm unemployed and job searching, I'm Robin Scherbotsky. grrrreat. hahah.